This is the saga of how one rogue, alone in a world of turmoil and strife, managed to bring order to a realm which had suffered endless horrors at the hands of evil beyond comprehension. This is a story of riches untold, of adventure in dark, ancient places, of the defeat of the evil powers which had long held this land in thrall. This is a story of the courage of an ordinary man to stand up and say "ENOUGH!". This is a story of love, of hate, and of humanity. Above all else, however, this is the story of one man so bent on returning to his wife and cable television set that he broke the chains of an entire dimension. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of DankBlazer420. Without further ado, let us dim the lights and fill our cups in preparation for the telling of this story, as it tends to be quite an epic and we may be gathered at this table for some time.
Our hero did not come here seeking glory, fortune, or even vengeance. In fact, he didn't even come here on purpose. Falling asleep next to his wife that night, he never suspected what was to come. In fact, he's still not entirely sure that what happened wasn't a dream. DankBlazer420, referred to from now on as Dank, simply went to bed one night and woke up in the forests of Terraria.
The first thing Dank noticed was an occupied bird's nest atop his head. He attempted to remove it, but the finch inside pecked at his hand, halting his efforts. Suddenly, a being which appeared to be a sentient gelatinous blob sprang from a bush, meaning to attack! The finch flew off his head and quickly pecked the slime to death. Dank decided to let it stay for now. Scratching his head in befuddlement, he looked around. Standing nearby was a young man speaking with a robot. The young man introduced himself as Maxwell and the robot as 001-ARC. The robot babbled about the importance of setting up storage units, while Maxwell told Dank that he needed to build a house for the three of them before nightfall.
Because Dank is helpful by nature, he did not question why these two had just been standing around here for apparently forever waiting for someone to come along and build their house for them. He simply gathered materials and put together a simple three-person shack. He had seen a few of the monsters that hung around during the day, and figured it wise to have something put together by nightfall.
With the remains of the day, Dank decided to explore. He ducked into a nearby cavern wherein he found a chest containing some torches, a hoard of silver coins, a set of claws intended for climbing trees, and a mirror. As he looked into the mirror, he was immediately teleported back to the cabin, where he found that a merchant named Joseph was squatting in his room. Maxwell, who had revealed himself to be a fairly knowledgeable individual, informed Dank that the jingling sound produced by the coins he'd found had alerted the merchant from miles away. Seeing that he had no means of kicking the merchant out, Dank quickly threw up another room and moved into it, placing some chests nearby as he needed a place to store his newfound treasure (maybe he'd have to talk to that storage-obsessed robot, after all). While at the cabin, he fashioned some of the leftover wood into a suit of rudimentary armor.
Just as the sun was getting low, Dank found a patch of sunflowers nearby. The guide explained that the flowers had a calming effect on nearby monsters, so he transplanted several to the immediate area surrounding the cabin. Additionally, he constructed a few fire pits nearby to increase visibility in the area. Just as he was putting the finishing touches on the last pit, a shambling, rotting zombie burst out from behind the tree. Dank drew his sword just in time, slaying the zombie as it got within reach. However, he heard several more groaning in the distance. He chuckled. There was going to be a long night of purification ahead.
As the night went on, Dank had slaughtered quite a few zombies. Drenched in blood, he swung his sword like a man possessed, flailing and shrieking with blind rage as the lifeless bodies of the undead beasts piled around him. However, in his rage, he failed to notice a zombie sneaking up behind him, wielding the severed arm of one of its fallen comrades as a weapon. The zombie bashed him over the back of the head with the arm, dazing him, before it tackled him to the ground and began pulling out his intestines. Screaming in agony, Dank felt his life fading. "So, this is it" he thought finally as his last breath slipped out of his grimacing teeth. Suddenly, he awoke back at the cabin, that damned moocher Joseph staring at him, mouth agape like the smoothbrained ape that he was. Dank felt his pockets, finding them much lighter than they'd been upon his death. He grabbed Joseph by the collar and shook him, demanding the money, but Joseph simply pointed, blubbering, in the direction Dank had been when he "died". He threw the merchant to the floor and stormed back outside, lopping off the heads of a few zombies on his way back to the clearing where he died. Sure enough, there was a pile of coins, but strangely, a black obelisk resembling a tombstone jutted up out of the ground in the exact spot he'd taken his "last" breath. Looking closely, it was engraved with the date and the exact manner in which Dank had "died".
Before Dank could contemplate the bizarre nature of the situation, more zombies had arrived, and he was thrown right back into the fray. The zombies were not the only beasts he faced that night, however, and the ground was dotted with a handful of the inexplicable tombstones by the time the sun rose again.
As the morning sun arose, Dank gathered his allies (read:freeloaders) around the table to finally get some answers. He wanted to know where he was, how he got there, and how he could get back home. After some time spent in awkward silence, Maxwell, the guide, spoke up. He told Dank, calmly, that he had been summoned here by ancient and mysterious forces to the land of Terraria because his extensive combat training and his unique psychological profile (read: utter lunacy), along with a bizarre ability to return from death (heretofore unknown to Dank, as he, like most humans, tried to avoid death) made him the ideal candidate to free this land from the evil forces which had long oppressed it. Smiling tenuously, Maxwell handed him a green, leather-bound tome with a list of names - these were the gods he would have to eliminate in order to earn his freedom. This news irritated Dank, but it did not affect his resolve. If one trait characterized the man, it was an unfailing ability to do that which must be done. The only way he could return to his wife and his cable television set was to slaughter a pantheon of wicked gods, and Dank had nothing less than absolutely perfect intent upon wading through an ocean of gore to get back home.
It was time to start laying groundwork. After a night of slaying monsters and gathering resources, Dank's storage space had begun to fill up with body parts, building materials, and treasures looted from nearby chests. He would need to talk to the automaton about storage. Speaking to ARC, he found that he would need gemstones and lead in order to get the system built and operational. Making a note, he moved on to Joseph, who sold him a bundle of grenades that he intended to use to liberate the necessary materials from the earth below. In a flash, a strange red-bearded man clad in mining equipment moved into a bedroom which Dank had just built (Maxwell had informed him that more people might be interested in moving in. Seeing their value after the discussion with Maxwell, ARC, and Joseph, Dank decided it might be necessary to expand his shantytown in order to attract more of these imbeciles.) The man introduced himself as Norsun, the demolitionist. Norsun told him that the materials he needed to improve his tools, weapons, and armor could be found in the caverns below. It was time to mine.
Dank soon set to work underground, digging up glittering veins of copper, lead, and tungsten left and right. before long, he stumbled upon a beautiful stone "tree" growing up out of the ground. It was at least three times his height, and studded all over with faceted sapphire "leaves" which reflected and distorted the torchlight, casting dancing blue lights all over the walls of the cavern. Dank, utilitarian that he was, hacked it down nearly immediately without even a moment's though as to its beauty. The time for beauty had passed. Now was the time for results.
Nearby, even more strangely, a red crystal was sticking up out of the cavern's stone floor. It shone with ruby light, and was undeniably heart shaped. Dank dug this up just as quickly as he'd cut down the sapphire tree. He held it for a moment in his hands. An onlooker might have believed he was pondering the mysteries which lay within. They would be wrong. He quickly stuffed it into his mouth, somehow managing to chew and swallow it. Upon swallowing, amazingly, he began to feel like he was healthier than he had ever been before. This was truly a strange world.
Not long after he ate the crystal, a nurse moved into town (likely to investigate an internal bleeding case). She introduced herself as Kathryn, and promptly began moving her things into a room in Dank's cabin, saving him the trouble of needless pleasantries like "asking for permission" or "knocking". Dank was unfazed. He had learned that this was the Terrarian way.
