Dank spent several days spelunking the nearby caverns, not stopping to so much as take a drink of water until his bag was completely filled with copper, lead, tungsten, and platinum. Along the way, he found and ate several more of the mysterious heart crystals, growing stronger with every bite. He returned to the surface, using the platinum he'd found to craft a suit of improved armor, and the tungsten for a pickaxe. Dank smiled at the setting sun, his platinum armor glistening with silver-white brilliance in its glowing warmth, his hand gripping the handle of the well-made bronze spear he'd found in the caverns below.
Dank slept soundly that night, but did not rest long. Packing his things in the morning, he intended to journey westward to see what might await him. After a simple breakfast with his comrades, he set off, his platinum greaves tamping the earth as he trod. He walked for some distance, over and under hill, past scattered tombstones revealing his mistakes, the finch fluttering cheerfully behind him. After some time, he stopped to rest atop a nearby hill. However, as he sat to rest, a foul smell pierced his nostrils. Hurling and gagging, he leaned over a log to vomit, the smell of rot and decay weighing heavily in both his mouth and nose, filling him with disgust. As he became adjusted to the smell, he looked out in the direction of the horrible stench. The valley before him was bruise-purple, covered in pits that stabbed into the awful ground like holes dug by maggots. Floating over the thorns that dotted the landscape were strange, squid-like creatures. They had five tumorous eyes bulging from their left and right, powerful-looking mandibles jutting out of their faces, and corpse-gray skin which oozed pus indiscriminately. A wise man might have looked at these creatures and thought "perhaps I will come back when I am stronger". As we have by this time learned, DankBlazer420 was not what one would consider a wise man.
After his endeavors in what he'd by this point learned was the Corruption, Dank returned to the caves as had become his custom. While delving through subterranean chambers in the eroded halls of the underground desert, he stumbled upon a shrine, covered with Chinese lettering. Inside a bright red chest was a small pile of gold, some torches and potions, and a Chi necklace which caused Dank to heal faster as soon as he donned it. Dank, however, is not respectful of traditional medicine, and promptly sold it to Joseph. Alongside these items, he found a small model of a fish. As soon as he picked it up, a baby shark appeared out of nowhere, floating in a bubble of water which followed Dank silently wherever he went. After multiple failed attempts to kill the shark, Dank shrugged and continued onwards. This was not the strangest thing he had or would see that day.
Dank continued his plunder of the desert caves before a booming voice thundered from a place out of space or time, "SLIME IS FALLING FROM THE SKY!" Confused, Dank quickly returned to the surface to find that mounds upon mounds of sentient slimes oozed across the ground. Those who fell into caves or ponds were just as quickly replaced by more, as slimes were falling from the sky with no end in sight. Dank hefted his trusty spear and looked up at the finch, who gave him a knowing chirp. Clearly, this land was in need of further cleansing.
Dank plunged his bronze spearhead into the squealing forms of slime after slime, their glittering ichor pouring forth, congealed in myriad shades of sapphire, emerald, and amethyst. As he slaughtered them, their bodies oozed back into the ground, polluting the soil with their foul poison. He had slaughtered hundreds of them when suddenly the ground began to rumble. From behind a hill, a massive slime leapt forth, nastier and more corpulent than fifty of its smaller siblings. Atop its "head" was a golden crown beset with rubies, and inside its translucent body a partially dissolved man could be seen, shrouded in black and silver robes which indicated him as a late member of the ancient Ninjutsu Order. This was the fabled King Slime, he thought, first on his hit-list of abominations. Dank grimaced, downing a health potion for a quick reprieve before the fight commenced.
Dank and the Slime King fought tooth and nail, Dank's spear penetrating again and again into the shambling bulk. The beast leapt higher and higher into the air, trying to land on Dank to no avail. His time fighting slimes in the cavern and during the apocalyptic slime rain had accustomed him to their tactics, and he could not be surprised. As the beast got more tired, Dank only seemed to grow stronger, stabbing the beast again and again, punctuating his brutality with animalistic shrieks of rage. The Slime King, nearly defeated, gathered its strength for one more leap into the cloudy blue firmament, praying to whatever corrupt gods it worshiped that this blow might land true. Dank saw the beast leap as to fall on him and crouched thrusting his spear high above his head, the point aimed cruelly at the blotted-out sun. With a nausea-inducing "SQUELCH!!" the beast impaled itself from foot to crown on Dank's righteous spear. It failed to even formulate a final thought, as the last thing which went through its primeval mind was the white-hot tip of Dank's lance. Dank stood over his quarry and spat. One down, he thought. A pantheon to go.
Suddenly, out from behind the dented crown which had once denoted the Slime king of its lessers, an underdeveloped blue slime hopped nervously towards him. Dank looked down at its stuffy, asthmatic face and its hideous spectacles and for what may well have been the first time in his life, Dank felt an emotion other than rage and confusion. He felt something which was probably closest to what we might call "pity". The slime introduced itself as Snoot, before saying "Babble babble blub ... gulp!" Dank's feelings of pity ceased. As the slime shambled into Dank's house uninvited (like the rest of its five tenants), Dank began to feel that everyone in this entire dimension was profoundly mentally handicapped.
It was, as you may have guessed, time for a return to the caves. While searching the depths, Dank stumbled upon a massive vaulted cavern with walls of solid white marble. At the center of this cavern was an Ancient Greek shrine, guarded by scores of skeletal hoplites, bound by curses of yore to defend the treasure within. Grinding their bones to dust with blast after blast of magic from his amethyst wizard stave, Dank trudged his way to the shrine. Opening the treasure chest for the first time since it was sealed millennia ago, he was treated to a fortune in gold, health potions, and a medallion. The medallion allowed him to steal the life-force from foes he slayed, healing him at their expense. This coveted treasure multiplied his combat productivity tenfold.
Afterwards, he made his way into a decrepit cavern overgrown with cobwebs and dust. As he tiptoed through the dark passageways, slashing through silk at every turn, he swore he could hear quiet scratching sounds, and even quieter, muffled screams. He dashed through the arachnid mansion towards the source of the sound, spearing the spiders he encountered with a swift and judicious blow through the abdomen, sending boiling black intestines out the back of the creatures' cephalothoraxes. At last, he arrived at the source of the sound to find a young woman with bright pink hair, bound tight with spiderwebs in order to keep her still until she could serve as the spiders' next meal. He slashed her bonds and introduced himself. Her name was Flora, and when asked how she got down there, she said "I would have given you a free cut if you'd come earlier." Dank stared blankly before dismissing her, knowing that he would find her in his house sans permission upon his return.
Not long after the stylist's rescue, Dank found a cluster of diamonds deep in a lava-filled pocket of stone. These diamonds were the crucial last piece he needed to begin setting up a storage system according to ARC's specifications. Why he needed emeralds, diamonds, and sapphires to build what was essentially a filing cabinet was beyond him, but he knew he must obey this realm's asinine laws if he ever wished to return to his wife and cable television set. He returned to the surface, and took a long look at his house full of 60-IQ freeloaders, his four chests overflowing with precious metals, rotting meat, and rope, and his house itself, that Escheresque architectural abortion made out of literally nothing but pieces of wood stacked on top of each other. It was time to build.