During his construction in the forest, DankBlazer420 had come across a strange group of creatures. These were what appeared to be hostile robots released into the woodlands to wreak havoc on travelers. There were floating drones, some rectangular and some ovoid, rolling sphere-shaped ones, car-shaped ones which drove across the ground, and a conical type which embedded itself into the ground, sending out a signal which amplified the abilities of its compatriots. Dank killed a handful of these, ripping the still-pulsing cerulean "heart" out of one of the conical ones, and brought the pieces back to Maxwell the Guide. Maxwell informed him that the machines he'd slain were known as Wulfrum Robots, and that the scrap metal obtained from their bodies could be used to create simple yet powerful equipment. Dank hefted a lump of this "Wulfrum" metal in his hand. It felt light and malleable yet durable. It had a dull greenish patina imparted by years spent out in the elements. He set it aside and looked at the heart he'd taken from the amplifier. It pulsed with blue-green light as billions of cathodes and anodes sparked in its interior. Looking at these foraged materials, the gears in Dank's mind began turning as he stepped into his workshop.
Walking out hours later, he had devised a number of contraptions. Dank's time as a store associate at Home Depot had made him a bit of an artisan, to put it simply. The first marvel was a repurposed drone made from a mostly-intact carcass of one of the robots he'd slaughtered. It bowed to his beck and call, shooting forth pure laser beams deep into the eye sockets of any foe who crossed his path, chirping with delight all the while. Dank took the bird's nest off his head and threw it into a cave, sending the finch flying after it. There was a new assistant in town, and there was no room for birdbrains. Next, Dank made a set of sick-ass wulfrum throwing knives, specially radiotuned to the drone's frequency so that it was impossible to damage the drone as Dank threw mighty blades with reckless abandon. Third was a jacked robot arm which he could wear over his jacked regular arm. It fired bolts of magical energy using the mana Dank had been gathering from fallen stars. If he happened to run low during battle, he could switch to its backup mode and drain the life-force from tangoes in order to recharge his own mystical powers like a nimble wizard vampire. Last was a full set of dripped out wulfrum armor with a built in pimp hat and tactical combat mustache to keep the ladies jockin' even with his face concealed. After Dank had finished dropping drawers with his metal suit, he could flip a switch on the lapel and convert it into full robot armor, which came equipped with a fusion cannon. This was fine-tuned for laying down artillery on any sons-of-bitches who would try to do evils in this land. Dank sat back in his easy chair and looked at his new gear. It was time to go out and slay devils.
After he'd gone out and scalped about 50 robots and zombies, he was making his way back to his crib when the booming voice smote the air again. For the first time, it brought good news: "LOOKS LIKE JOSEPH THE MERCHANT IS THROWING A PARTY!". Back at the base, all the villagers had gathered around a bonfire. All were equipped with party hats and met Dank with a raucous cheer. Flagon after flagon, emptied of ale, hit the ground with a crash, sending shards of glass. It was no Natty Ice, Dank thought, but it would do for the moment. As the party reached its feverish crescendo, a green slime wearing a backwards baseball cap hopped into the clearing. Everyone drew their weapons as they remembered the infamous rain of slime which had plagued their village, but the slime, unfazed, hopped up onto the table and railed a line of pure snow off the blade of a sword someone had left out. The slime screamed at the sky, eyes bloodshot, and introduced himself as Squash, "The Cool Slime". Dank recognized a fellow jacked sigma who liked to party and implored him to move in to one of the homes he'd built once he'd had his fill of partying. Squash brought along with him a few friends he'd picked up along the way. Dank remembered them. He'd rescued two of them from monsters in the caves, and the third he'd saved from drowning. They were Harry Madison the Golfer, Dalek the Goblin Tinkerer, and Jimmy the Angler. They joined the party and helped the rest of the townspeople drain the village's mead supply by nightfall.
Dank came to with a throbbing headache, awoken by the sound of that booming voice. It was back to its usual brand of bad news, saying "THE BLOOD MOON IS RISING..." with a tone that let Dank know that bad things were on the horizons. He looked out of his window to see, sure enough, a blood-red full moon emerging from below the treeline. He heard the groans of zombies, interspersed with alien noises from creature's he'd apparently never encountered, and looked down to see most of the villagers still passed out in the field. He woke them up quickly and shepherded them back into the base before stepping out to meet the looming threat. Bubbling up from the forest in a seemingly endless stream of rot and decay came a variety of morbid creatures. The usual zombies and demon eyes were present, but they had some new company. There were half-rotted zombie wolves, dripping orbs of blood covered in bulging eyeballs, shambling mutants made entirely of congealed blood, and strange saurian desert monsters which resembled massive desiccated seahorses. Towards the back of the group, issuing commands to the fodder, were a pair of large muscular zombies. One was dressed in a tuxedo and top hat, and the other in a wedding dress and veil. They'd evidently been zombified on the happiest day of their lives. Dank spat, hefting his mighty flail and sprinting into the fray. He crushed the skulls of beast after beast, yet the tide of enemies kept flowing. He was uninjured for the moment, but knew that he couldn't last forever out here. He formulated a plan as he slashed the spitting head off of an approaching zombie and hurled it into one of the blood-mutants, splattering its loosely packed insides across several of its peers. Looking ahead, he spotted his quarry: a lumbering seahorse monster, spitting acid at him from fifty yards away as it stomped through its comrades, not caring whether a zombie or two was crushed under its bulk. Dank leapt over to it, jumping off the heads of several screeching abominations. He jumped atop its back and stabbed a javelin through each of its eyes and into the outermost layer of its thick skull, leaving it blinded but still alive. Using the javelins as handlebars, he forced the beast to gallop through the army of undead towards the wedding party. As he came upon them, he took one of the javelins out and stabbed the beast in the shoulder. It reared back on its haunches, waving its arms in agony, before bringing them down on the bride and groom, uniting them in their second death just as they'd been in their first. With their leaders gone, the undead tide was easily stemmed, and before long, the blood moon sank back into the horizon as the few remaining monsters ran back to whatever foul hole they'd escaped.
Just as he was finally getting a chance to relax, DankBlazer420 heard the thundering voice yet again, this time saying "A TOXIC DOWNPOUR FALLS OVER THE WASTELAND SEAS!" He sighed, knowing that this meant he'd have to clean up yet another mess. Fortunately, the Acid Rain and the beasts that followed it were much less of a problem than the Blood Moon had been. The heralded fiends were simply a few waves of suicidal toads, flying fish, and electric eels. A few occasional sluglike creatures came out as well, but none of these devils were a challenge for our heroic ronin who had activated beast mode as he exited his mother's placenta and had never turned it off since.
With the Blood Moon and Acid Rain handled, our hero returned to his king-sized water bed made of leaves and tree limbs and thought of his wife and his cable television set. He slept like a rock that night, and woke up in the morning to give himself a few much-needed days off from battle, spending most of the time off putting some additions on his rapidly-expanding dojo.
